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I'm tired:



Of the lies

Of the secrets

Of hurting

Of being emotionally dead

Of being overly emotional

Of loving you without being loved back

Of crying myself to sleep

Of wanting you to notice me

Of wishig you'd just end it

Of pushing her spirit away because it hurts

Of wanting you and no having you

Of the drama you create

Of feeling like I'm not enough

Of knowing that you're just going to keep on doing this

Of being told that you're not good enough for me

Of trying to fix my heart

Of dreaming of you every night.



I want:



To be happy

To be loved

To be respected

To feel her because she's physically here, not just because her spirit follows me everywhere

To be cherished

To be in a relationship that doesn't fuck me up

To smile

To laugh

To hold your hand

To hug you

To kiss you

To make love with you

To be comfortable with you

To have a family with you

To grow old with you

To be your soulmate.



I'm hurting:



Because you feel out of love with me

Because you mess with my emotions

Because you're cheating on me

Because I honestly thought you would never do that

Because I put all my eggs in one basket

Because I fell in love with your kids too

Because the memories I have with you haunt me

Because I know how She felt

Because I know you will never change

Because I just want to know why

Because you ignore me

Because I don't think you ever really respected me

Because I don't think you were ever really in love with me

Because my mate, sire and lord of my house betrayed my love and trust

Because I know I was just a convenient source of food

Because I still love you, no matter what you do or say

Because you smashed my heart.

COMMENTS

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wolfkiller
20:25 May 16 2008

I understand all your words now read my journal and try to understand me.



I am sorry for hurt I wish I could take it in and make it mine to not let you feel and be happy once more.

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POST COMMENT

So, my uncle got married last night. It was beautiful. My new aunt is wonderful. She's sweet, caring, beautiful. I'm so glad that they found eachother. I was in the wedding court. I cried. A lot. I cried not only because I was happy for them, but because I don't think I'll ever find that kind of joy. I mean, I thought I'd found that kind of happiness, but I was mistaken. And it hurts. So, to try to forget my pain, I downed 5 amorillo sours. Wonderful little buggers. I only got slightly tipsy. Unfortunately, it didn't help me forget anything. I kept checking my phone hopeing and praying that he'd call me. God, I missed him. OH! And she didn't help me forget either. She was next to me the ENTIRE FREAKING TIME I was up there. The ENTIRE time. I felt her little presence there. She pulled at my hip, wanting me (I guess) to turn around. I cried harder. I wanted to get married. I really did. But I don't trust men anymore. At all. They just use you and throw you away like you're cheap and worthless. Damn it! I was in love with him. I still am.... But he's moved on, and we haven't even broken up yet!



What if he's just taking advantage of the fact that I'm sticking to my promise of not leaving him? My friend say that's what he's doing. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions. But what am I supposed to think when I see her leaving comments like "I love you baby." "We'll have our embrace soon. I love you." Blah blah blah...??? What am I supposed to think when he won't tell me who she is and why she's leaving shit like that on his stuff?? "We'll talk about it when you get here." That's all I freaking get. It hurts. I hate it. If he's going to break up with me I want him to do it now not when I go up to see him.



I love him. Nothing will ever change that... I just wish he loved me the same way. Actualy, I just wish he loved me, period.



*sighs*



But, what's done is done. I can't take back the tears. I can't take back what was done to me. I can't take back anything. I can only move on and hope for the best.

"So that we can learn to pick ourselves back up."



Falling hurts. So does learning to pick yourself back up. I should have learned my lesson, but I'm apparently stupid. I should have seen the warning signs.



This wedding on Sunday is gonna suck major ass. I'll be a beautiful vision of sadness before a joyful crowd.



Bring on the drinks. I'll be needing them. That and a new pack of cigs. I'll learn to pick myself up after the wedding.

Love. By definition it means: "To feel passion, devotion and tenderness." Why then, if the definition is so gentle, do I feel a sense of pain, heartache, and overall depression. Is love supposed to hurt like this? Am I supposed to feel as though my heart is breaking almost all the time?



Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly wanted. I wonder if they were ever in love with me at all. It's a silly question, I know. And I know they were. But, I don't know if they still are. Am I loved? Why am I treated this way? Am I really that expendable? Do I walk around with the words "Break my heart" or "Use me" on my forehead?



I'm tired of having to be strong. I'm tired of faking smiles left and right. I'm tired of being taken for granted. I just want to be loved. Damn it! That's all I've ever wanted. Not loved by a parent, friend, or random relative. I want to be loved romantically. I want to be the only one in their life. I want to feel secure. I want a solid relationship, not one built on lies. I want...



I just want to be happy. I haven't been happy for a long long time. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep.



Do you regret me? Do you wish you'd never met me? How do you feel about me? I want to know. I deserve to know. I gave you my heart, and you lost it. It's breaking somewhere in the mess you have going on. Yes, I'm terrified of getting hurt. You know that. Why, then, are you hurting me? Do you find pleasure in it?



I promised you. I don't break my promises. You know that. If you have someone else, let me go, because your damaging me close to the point of emotional death. I love you. You know that. Don't burn me this way, I beg you...

Why the hell does Ebay have to have such nice shit? Seriously!! I mean, I've gone a bit Ebay happy lately... It's an addiction. How many airsoft guns do I own now?? How much other crap can I get now?? *sighs* Whatev. I got myself a really good webcam through Ebay almost half off, so,.... I'm happy. Lol. Combat boots are the next to come. *excitement* I mean, the ones I want are one size too big, but whatev... They'll come in handy. And If I don't like them, back up on Ebay they go! Lol.



Oh. And I'm a genuine fuck face, once again. I snapped, yes snapped, my sunglasses in half today. I didn't mean to, but I did. Driving home was a bitch and a half. I'm gonna super glue them back together, but I'll have to get another pair if they break again. *very heavy sigh*



School's almost out!!! Wooooo!!! Not that it'll last long for me... Summer classes begin on the 5th of May, but let out on the 17th of June. YAY!! Lol. I'm on a happy high right now, so..... yeah. Lol. Anyways, I'm gonna go fuck around on Ebay some more.



Bisous!

**Not all quotes are verbatim**



The topic came up fairly recently. Friday, I believe. It left me thinking quite a bit about what I was.



"I know you got one of the weaknesses, but didn't you get any of the strengths??" I was asked. It left me thinking for quite some time. The answer is yes. Besides sensitivity to sunlight (EXTREME sensitivity...) I have inherited quite a few other things. I can see in the dark, far better than I used to. I can sense other's presences even if I can't see them. I can see and feel shadows. I can see and hear her. If I concentrate hard enough, I can manipulate people into looking at me, even if their back is turned to me.



So, in short, yes... I have quite a few of the abilities, though I'm sure the rest will come once I'm fully turned. But if you'd teach me how to properly the ones I have now, I might not have such a hard time....

I wish you would just tell me what's on your mind instead of playing these fucking little head games with me. Am I loved or not? Am I wanted or not? Just tell me. Stop ignoring me. If friends is all we should be, I wish you'd tell me. You know the ball's been in your court for the longest time. You need to tell me what you want, not ignore me and leave me to assume what I'm supposed to do.



Stop ignoring me. Stop breaking my heart. Just stop it.... Talk to me.

I've noticed that there are certain symbols that seem to repeat themselves in my life. I've noticed them for a while, but I figured I'd write about them now, too.



One of the symbols is the lion. My first high school's mascot was the lion. We were the Oviedo Lions. Then, I moved down to Miami for my senior year of high school, and the mascot there was also the lion. At La Salle, we were the Royal Lions. As goofy as this next statement is gonna sound, I've taken multiple tests online, and I am most definitely in Gryffindor house... Their symbol is the lion. I also seem to have a thing for Leos... I dunno. Just something I've noticed.



There are also certain numbers which seem to make frequent quest appearances in my daily activities. The number 7 is a big one. 2 and 4 seem to also like tagging along. I'm not really sure why this is, but I do have sort of an idea. Oh, and 10 seems to be a big number in my family. Or at least on my mom's side of the family. My birthday is 10.09. My mom got married on 8.10. My brothers' birthdays are on 4.10 and on 12.10. Ten ten ten ten ten. I dunno. That's just fun info, though...



Anyways, I think that my personal symbol recurrences kind of tie in with my dreams. I'm a firm believer in that dreams tell you something. Not ALL dreams, but some of them, yeah. Like for me, I know when a dream is trying to tell me something. It has a different over all feeling for me. I've actually met someone in my dreams before I ever even knew they existed in real life. I've heard their voice. I've seen their face. That was before, though. I've since met them.



I don't have all the answers I need, though. These are just my musings.

I fell down emotionally today. I had to pick myself back up. I feel my strength slipping from my grasp. I had to stare into my eyes in the mirror and force myself to stop crying. "One more week" I told myself over and over. I had to make myself believe it. Lying to yourself is one of the hardest things you will have to do in life. It really is. Especially since you know the truth, but you have to make yourself think differently.



I should have seen my weakness coming. I mean, I've been tormenting myself all day with my memories. Why can't I just be numb? Why can't I just forget my memories? Why can't I erase the evidence that recalls the memories?



Because I'm fond of them, that's why. They torment me in a somewhat peaceful way. I mean, I cry at their recollection, but I still manage a smile. I'll never have that again. Ever. It was from before I became an obligation. From before I became a burden.



It hurts to breathe. Literally. It hurts to smile. It feels unnatural to me, now.

I had a dream. It wasn't a fun one like I'd been having... It was one of those "I'm telling you something" dreams. I had to force myself to wake up. God, I don't want it to be telling me anything like what I saw. Please....



If I ignore it, will it go away?? *sighs* I know it won't, but I'm too afraid to see what it really means. I just want it to go away. Leave me in peace. I sleep to get away from my depression. What do I have to turn to if my depression makes its way into my dreams? I write poetry to express my depression, not to get away from it. I listen to music to further fuck myself up, not to get better. I sleep to get away from it.



I don't want to know what the dream was trying to tell me.... I'm going to ignore it; pretend it didn't happen.

So, today was a fun day. I spent most of it with my cousin, who's more like my brother, only we don't get on each other's nerves the way real siblings do. We watched Sweeney Todd, made cookies, made frosting for the cookies, and vegged out all day.



Now, I smell like a burrito. Why? Because I'm wearing half of mine... I seem to not be able to make anything into my mouth, and the beans did not seem to want to be eaten. They landed in my hands, shirt, and lap.... pretty much everywhere but in my god damn mouth... Fuckers.



On a happier note, a dear friend of mine did something wonderful for me. He got me a new cell phone battery. *hugs him* Thanks soooo much, you have no idea how much freedom I have now not having to be with my phone charger all day. ^_^ Lol.



So.... Yeah. I'm currently somewhere between excited and nervous about the summer. Nervited or exervous. Take your pick. If I were a real freak, I'd be counting down the days until N&A's big adventure, but I'm not that much of a fruit.... Lol.



I'm on the phone now, so I'm gonna go.



'gasm!!

FL has just barely begun it's "I'm the bipolar dick of the US" ritual. Beautiful one day. All day rain the next. I don't fucking know, man. I just don't fucking know.



Oh! And did you know that Flo Rida spells Florida??? I totally didn't even fucking know that until Alye pointed it out yesterday walking into FYE. It was interesting.



So my nap was interesting today. A house I drempt up not too long ago resurfaced, only this time, it was different. I didn't like it this time around. It was scary. But, I did get to dream of happy things later on, though. Theres a few select people I miss and they were in it. There were also a few select people I've never met, and they were acting out of what I've heard their character is like. Then I woke up.



It's odd.... feeling her energy touch me. It was warm and gentle and small. And comforting. I missed her. A lot. I missed her just being with me. I mean, being with me like that. Occasionally she'll come into my room and play by herself, but this time was different. She touched me. I felt her.



Hm... I don't actually think I have anything else to say...



How sad.

...Which means I should probably turn off my fan, eh? Yeah, I probably should, then go take a nice long hot shower. I'll do that in a lil bit, but first I think a shave... I mean, blog....



I just saw Sweeney Todd for the fist time this week, and let me tell you ZOMG!!! Amazing. I don't care if you don't like musicals, you'll love this one. I'm in love all over again. *sigh* Another movie I'll watch to death until I know every freaking word. Just like Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Aladdin, and Little Mermaid. Geh... Oh, and Lion King, too. It's that good.



And I'd totally do Johnny Depp in a heartbeat. I swear. But then again, so would every other female on the face of the planet, so... yeah.....



Alye and I went undie shopping today. Zomg, we got the cutest undies ever! Thanks Victoria's Secret! And what's good about that?? Well, I found out that they're hiring too, sooooo maybe I'll get a job there. God, I need a fucking Job. On top of that, Alye and I are pretty excited about our summer adventure. Nikki and Alye's Big Adventure. Much documentation will be made. And much muchness.... Lol. It's going to be amazing. Just about 2.5 months. EXCITEMENT!! Well, excitement and other shit, but yeah... Lol.



Coco has discovered tennis balls. This dog has a fucking obsession with it. Fucking shit. It's cute but annoying at the same time. She's at my feet every 3 seconds. Our other dog, Cassie, just stares at her like she's crazy. It's rather amusing. I'm gonna miss her while I'm gone.



*sigh* I think I'm gonna go take my nice long hot shower now and enjoy getting warm. That and enjoy my thoughts. My thoughts (well, some of them) keep me happy. My "pretendings" if you will. They give me hope.



"Really?"

"Every fucking day."

"Fucking every day."

"Exactly."

**Sent to me by muh best friend. ^_^ Thanks, G!







10 truths that black and hispanic people know but white people wont admit



1 Elvis is dead

2 Jesus was not white

3 Rap music is here to stay

4 Kissing your pet is not cute or clean

5 Skinny does not equal sexy

6 Thomas jefferson had black kids

7 A 5 year old is too bug for a stroller

8 N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5

9 An occasional butt whooping helps a child stay in line

10 Having your children curse at you out in public is not normal



10 truths white and black people know but hispanic people wont admit



1 Hickeys are not attractive

2 Chicken is food not a pet or a roommate

3 Jesus is not a name for your son

4 Your country flag is not a car decoration

5 Maria is a name but not for every daughter

6 10 people in a car is considered to many

7 "Jump out and run" is not a insurance policy

8 Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement

9 Mami & Papi cant possibly be the nickname of every person in your family

10 Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal



10 truths white and hispanic people know but black people wont admit



1 O.J. did it

2 Tupac is dead

3 Teeth shouldn't be decorated

4 Weddings should start on time

5 Your pastor doesn't know everything

6 Jesse Jackson will never be president

7 Red is not a Kool-Aid flavor, its a color

8 Church does not require expensive clothes

9 Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away

10 Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car

You wanted to "break me". You got your wish. I'm nothing but a rag doll in the corner of the room, lifelessly watching the world pass me by. I'm holding my own heart in my hands. It's broken, and it hurts. It hurts to breathe. My memories taunt me into a false happiness for but a moment, then a piece of my heart stabs at my hands, and everything comes rushing back.



I don't even think you've noticed what you've done. I don't even think you care. I can feel myself dying. What did I do wrong? When did I do it? I don't know. But it must have been horrible, because otherwise I wouldn't deserve this. But, somehow, I think I do deserve this. I'm insignificant. I'm worthless.



I've been broken, once again.

It's ongoing and never ending. It messes with my head, and makes me believe what is false. I can't be happy without being sad. It either happens during the happy moment, as a memory enters my mind, or afterwards, almost like an act of rebellion against my joy. My emotions get in the way of my life. I'm dying inside. Sometimes, I just want to forget everything. Forget everyone. Distance myself. But I can't anymore. I don't know how, and so I'm getting hurt.



I miss being a young, small child. Ignorance is bliss. Why has my life turned out the way it has? Did I do something in a previous life to deserve all this bullshit? I must have... God, I must have been horrible in a previous life. What if that's all I'm here for? What if I'm just supposed to experience pain in this life. Punishment. Emotional beatings.



I am a class A Fuck Up. It's all I seem to do. I can't even please people the right way. I need help. I really do. My depression is getting the better of me and by doing so, showing me what a horrible person I actually am. I don't want to see anymore. I want help. I need help. But if I seek help, then I'm troubling others with my problems. The one person I honestly thought would always be there for me, especially in times of need has left me in the alone in the dark to face my demons alone. I'm not strong enough for it. Don't say I am. I'm not. I have proof by way of scaring. They increase in number quite frequently.



I'm scared. Being completely alone is what I fear most, and it's coming true as we speak. Alone to face my ghosts and demons. Can I cut them out of my life? Yes... perhaps I can. Maybe that's why I try to hard to do it.

The relaxation will only last a bit longer. I have homework to do, and a friend I haven't seen since the beginning of August is down for her spring break, so I'll be spending some time with her. I just washed my dog, Cassie, and I've managed to get my hands on a rented copy of Sweeney Todd. I see much happiness in my future... until, that is, I have to do my hwk. *sigh* I don't wanna. Actually, I just really want school to be over and summer to get here.



I've many fun things planned for the summer, so I'm uber excited. ^_^ Those plans, however, no longer include getting endless amounts of sun like they did last summer. SPF 70 will be my new best friend. And so will umbrellas. Sun hurts, yo.



Fucking ouch.

My body seems to be rejecting a lot lately. I don't feel right. I feel like this body isn't mine, or like it's being taken over by something unknown to me. I'm shaking, and I don't know why. I feel like I'm going to fall over at any moment. I'm dizzy. I want to throw up. I want to sleep. I have horrible stomach pains. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Certain smells bother me.



I need to feed. I know I do, but I don't think that will cure all my problems. Even writing this is difficult for me. Somethings wrong with me, but I don't know what it is, or why I feel this horrible.



Rest may help me a bit. Perhaps I'll try that.